My luck with blogs is impeccable. just as I am ready to start getting back into writing and set up a schedule something happens. My due date was August 25th 2015, and in the late morning on Sunday August 23rd 2015 I started going into labour. After working through the contractions between 11am and 7:30pm I was ready to go to the hospital. I can’t express how happy I was not only that I was finally going to meet my son but that my pregnancy was finally going to be over. ( I had a not so pleasurable pregnancy … morning sickness through all three trimesters, heartburn that would knock a moose on its ass, back and hip problems not to mention how big I was).
We got to the hospital, and I got ready to be checked and be admitted. The nurse was fantastic, however she was having a problem. The sonogram was having a hard time picking up my sons heartbeat. She got a different machine and tried again. At this point my husband and I were getting really nervous. You cant imagine the confusion and concern that goes through your mind when the nurse is frantically trying to find your child’s heartbeat but isn’t saying anything about what is happening. Finally the Dr came in and they were still unable to find the heartbeat when we asked what is going on, why were they having trouble and we were told that our son had no heartbeat. They got an ultrasound machine to verify and came back with the bad news, our son had passed.
Your heart sinks into your stomach when you hear those words and then a fury of thoughts race through your mind. Some of them logical but most of them don’t have anything to do with the present moment or what is going to be happening to you in the following hours. I will admit I was in shock. Just Thursday I was at the Dr. Office and there was a heart beat, everything was ok. Now they were telling me that he was gone? how could that happen? Why? It was only three days later. Aside from my personal gripes I had an ‘uneventful’ pregnancy without issue. What was going on and what was going to happen now?
My husband broke down before I could even gather my thoughts and it was that sound that took me out of my head, and brought me back into what was really going on. We cried, oh man did we cry all the while with the thought in the back of their mind that the Dr. was wrong and he was still alive. The next big thought that was going through my mind was if he had passed I didn’t want to have to actually give birth. It was something I didn’t think I could go through with. My baby was dead and now I had to go through this unknown experience and in the end I wouldn’t even get the bundle of joy I was to work so hard for. I cried and just kept asking the Dr. Will they please give me a C-Section? Please don’t make me do this I just want this whole ordeal to be over so I can go home, not have to sit through how many hours of labour until I would be able to deliver him. The Dr explained that they wouldn’t listen to my request and that I was going to have to deliver him the original way that I had planned. However they were able to give me the epidural so that the next however many hours would at least be what he called comfortable.
After getting my epidural and waiting what would turn out to be 5 hours they broke my water and at 11 am a full 24 hours later I was ready to start pushing and finally at 12:46 pm my beautiful, beautiful son was born. The husband and I had originally talked about not seeing him but I am beyond glad that we changed our minds because I don’t know what I would have done with myself if I hadn’t. I’m probably biased but he was the best combination of my husband and I, he had a full head of hair that was super thick and dark, my husbands nose lips and eyebrows. He had my high cheekbones and the chubbiest cheeks that I have ever seen. He also had my chin. I really wish we would have been able to see his eyes but they were closed. My boy was quite the little porkchop, he was 10 lbs 9 oz and a whopping 22 inches long. He had crazy long legs and my husbands long toes. He was beautiful, the most beautiful baby I have ever seen. Again I might be biased but I think he was.
We held on to him for pretty much the entire day, family came and went, but we held him and I just didn’t want to let go. It was the hardest thing to say goodbye and place him in the bassinet for the last time before they would take him for the autopsy. My husband and I cried together and said good bye, it was hard … so hard to carry someone for 9 months and then have nothing. I found myself rubbing my stomach like I did before he was born but it did nothing to help fill the hole that I currently have in my heart. It feels like the world has come crashing down around me and I know that my life will never be the same ( I wouldn’t want it to). I wouldn’t have been able to get through the day without my husband. He has been my rock, I don’t know how hes been so strong. I’m a wreck I cry all the time over the smallest things and it doesn’t matter if he is sleeping, somehow he knows and is right there to comfort me. I know its not going to be an easy road but I am so glad I have him there with me to get through it.