So I’ve fallen behind a bit with my bumpdates. I blame it on the being lazy and pregnant. so I will put up the pictures from the past few weeks. Overall the morning sickness has been getting better, still there but getting better. I still really can’t stand the smell of coffee and don’t want to eat fish. Being pregnant again after losing a child is difficult. On one hand you want to enjoy every moment of your pregnancy and on the other ( at least with my experience) you know there is no ‘safe’ time in pregnancy. I have an overwhelming sense of anxiety all the time and I feel like I am cheating the nuggets from my blissful ignorance of everything that can go wrong. To be perfectly honest I have been seeing a therapist about the anxiety, and she is fantastic.. Many of the things that have been causing me grief especially my husbands sister. ( Seriously who wouldn’t go to their own nephews funeral)? It helps so much to be able to hear from someone who has no bias in any of the situations that have happened over the past few months.
Well as you can see the belly has grown quite a bit over the past few weeks. The waddle has already started and I see a chiropractor regularly. Here is the 15 week one with the question and answers that follow.
How far along: 15 weeks
Gender: I still feel like it is a boy/ girl but we find out in 3 weeks and I just can’t wait.
Weight gain: Surprisingly only 8 lbs even though it looks like I have gained much much more.
Maternity clothes: Pulled out my old maternity clothes last week. I’m going to try to hold off getting some more until these ones no longer fit me.
Stretch marks: \no new ones yet, but my tummy is getting so big so fast its just a matter of time.
Belly button in or out: In
Sleep: Sleep… who needs sleep.. ( me please) I flip flop all night long and once I’m awake it takes forever to fall back asleep.
Best moment this week: There were a few. Getting to hear their heartbeats this week. Twin A was 160 bpm and twin B was 155 bpm. The other was When my chiropractor got excited about some movement in my hips ( for the past 5 weeks there hasn’t been any)
Worst moment this week: Having to deal with hubbys family. His sister was in town and doesn’t think she did anything wrong by not going to Mackenzie’s funeral. The stress level and anxiety was nuts. Also blood sugars are becoming questionable so a lot of anxiety around that.
Miss anything: Sushi, deli meat, coffee and energy drinks.I’m excited I got the go ahead to use the hot tub though!
Movement: Nothing yet. I can’t wait till I get some movement then maybe some anxiety will go away.
Cravings: Salty, Caesar salad, pineapple,
Queasy or sick: Morning sickness is starting to get better, still not gone completely.
Looking forward to: Out anatomy scan! I can’t wait to start picking names!
When I was pregnant with Mackenzie I didn’t record any of my pregnancy and I kind of regret that. So with the nuggets I have decided I’m going to do a weekly Bumpdate. A weekly update of my bump, how I’m feeling and a way I can look back and remember this pregnancy. I am currently obsessed with reading blogs of other mommas who have carried twinsies, I’ve found some good ones, some ok ones and others that I read a couple entries and they didn’t suite my fancy. I hope these can be in at least the ok category if not the good ones. So without further adieu …
How far along? 10 Weeks Total weight gain/loss: 2.8lbs Maternity clothes? Not yet, I’m avoiding bringing them out because no one knows about the nuggets yet and I can still get away with some of my loose clothing. Stretch marks? No new ones. I plan on using Bio Oil once I hit second trimester. Sleep: I’M SO TIRED… I don’t sleep well at night and can’t really take afternoon naps. Best moment this week: My never ending nausea is finally letting up. Have you told family and friends: Not yet.. Miss Anything? Sushi, runny eggs, ceasers, coffee and energy drinks. Movement: Not yet. Food cravings: Pineapple, anything spicy, red meat, pizza and dill pickle chips. Anything making you queasy or sick: Coffee, Aarons body spray, and if there is any hair stuck in my hairbrush Have you started to show yet: Yes, its starting to get pretty hard to hide. Gender prediction: Girl/ Boy Labor Signs: No Belly Button in or out? In Wedding rings on or off? Off, After my weight loss I had to take my rings off because they kept falling off. Happy or Moody most of the time: Happy, and terrified. I have moments when I’m over the moon and times that I need to tell myself to stop using google because I’m stressing myself out. Weekly Wisdom: The chiropractor is your friend, Google is not. Looking forward to: Having an ultrasound ( to help with my fear) and feeling the movements.
Well there is some exciting news that is going to be coming your way. I can’t quite spill the beans yet but it’s a big one.
In other news the husband and I have expanded our family by one more.
I would like to introduce Mauser! A few weeks ago we were discussing Angus’ new habit of chasing his tail without end and decided that we were going to adopt a new buddy because he has been so bored. We contacted Kitty Kare here in Thunder Bay and went to visit her at her foster home. We met her and got to know her and her story a little while we spoke to her foster mom Aaron bonded with her. It went well so we decided that we should adopt her that day and brought her home. You probably can’t tell but she is a poly dactyl cat ( she has 6 toes in the front). After we brought her home Angus was not impressed and spent the first day hissing and swatting at her everywhere she went. Lola is such a good dog that she couldn’t care less about her and just walked past her. By day two everything was going a little better and now they’re best buddies. I can honestly say I didn’t really want another cat but Aaron really did and he has been on the hunt for a black poly dactyl cat since we met. so that is the new addition to our little family!
Stay tuned for the big news coming in the next few weeks!
Now that 2015 is coming to a close, there are a few things that I want to talk about. First the normal overview of the year, goals and such for next year and where I am with Mackenzies death. Let me start first with an overview of the year.
I turned 30 this year, holy crap I just don’t know where the time has gone. It just seems like yesterday that I was goofing around in high school having a blast and not worrying about the little things that plague my mind now. Between January and August I carried a beautiful baby boy who Aaron and I named Mackenzie. Although he was stillborn those 8 months were fantastic despite the ups and downs of pregnancy. We bought a house, now for those of you who know us personally will know that we have a dream of building our home, and we were going to start in the Spring of this year but the time lines that we would have had between then and when Mack was born wouldn’t have given us enough time so we opted to buy a house in the city. Neither of us really wanted to live in town but it was a sacrifice we were willing to make for our son. Then there was the loss of our son. That was huge. Despite the assumption that this was going to be the best year it turned out to be the worst. Health wise I’m doing well. I have lost all but 10lbs of my baby weight, I’m focused on becoming more healthy and working towards a goal weight of 180lbs.
Where I am with Mackenzie’s death. Well … I still cry frequently. My home is a constant reminder of how things should be, and what am missing. The things I gave up for him that I now have to live with. I’m back at work now and that sucks. I find it really difficult to walk in there every day first because it is a constant reminder of what I had, two because of the misleading that my boss and another one have done making me think that they were going to do something to help me out with the anxiety of returning and basically telling me that I had a position that I had applied for that would keep me from having to deal with people all the time. and three because I didn’t want to go back in the first place.Dealing with family is getting a bit easier, I still have very little patience for ( excuse the lack of a better word) bullshit. I still feel a gaping hole in my heart that will never be filled.
My goals for the upcoming year, I want to put a bigger focus on my health. I want to get to my goal weight not because my Doctor says that’s the only way that he will prescribe me Femera again so that we can get pregnant, but because I really do want to be healthier and there is no beter time to start than now. I would love to be able to leave my job and get into the healthcare field, I would love to go back to school for nursing. I want to get pregnant again but that seems to be a difficult feat. I want to focus on my cooking and blogging about that more. I have given it a few tries but it hasn’t really taken off. Hopefully I can remain focused on these things long enough to see some of them realized.
Here is wishing you and yours all the best in 2016! What kind of goals have you set for yourself? What does your 2015 year in review look like?
I kind of dropped off the map for a little while. However I’m back and with a recipe none the less.
Aaron and I love seafood and mushrooms so this is a perfect combination. They’re buttery with a little nip to them from the creole seasoning. They are a little on the pricey side but nowhere near what you would pay in a restaurant. I love to make this as a special meal once and a while, not one of the ‘in the rotation meals’ that you would make weekly. Today was a rough day for Aaron and I so I decided that we needed something a little special. Today Mackenzie would have been a month old. No I’m not going into a big long story about him today I wanted to make sure that I am not just writing about him , but keeping up with the other things that I wanted to incorporate into the blog.
There’s something about the first shot of all of the ingredients that are used in a recipe that makes me all excited. Maybe it’s the anticipation of what is to come, or its my organized self that likes to see everything collected and out on the counter in preparation for the meal. Whatever it is I like it!
After collecting all of the ingredients and you start to open the cans of crab meat watch out for this guy. I swear that he could hear the can opener up the street from a soundproof room and get there is half a second. Angus is the biggest pest I have ever met. He seriously tries to jump on the counter no matter what I am making and even moreso when it involves any sort of fish or seafood.
After your crackers are crushed and you have diced the red pepper, onion, garlic and grated your cheese combine them with the drained crab meat and spices and mix thoroughly. Melt the butter and pour over the mixture then add the lemon juice and mix again.
I recommend removing the gills from the portabello. To do this use the tip of a spoon and gently scrape the gills after removing the stem. Arrange the caps on the baking sheet, no need to spray with cooking spray or oil. fill the caps equally with the mixture then top with the 4 TBSP of cheese that was set aside. Place in preheated oven; and cook at 425 degrees for 30-35 minutes ( or until the mushroom is tender). Remove from the oven and enjoy! Below is a before the oven and after picture for your enjoyment.
Crab Stuffed Mushrooms
4 Portabello Mushroom Caps
12 oz Canned Crab
2 Cups crushed Ritz crackers
1/2 Cup Grated Parmesan + 4 TBSP divided
1 tsp Garlic (diced)
1/2 a Small Red Onion (diced)
1/4 of a Small Red Pepper (diced)
1 TBSP Dried Parsley
1 Tsp Creole or Cajun Seasoning
1 Tsp Lemon Juice
1/4 Cup Melted Butter
Preheat oven to 400 degrees
Combine all ingredients in bowl and mix.
Divide equally between mushroom caps and top with parmesan cheese.
Place in oven on baking sheet for 30-35 min until mushroom is tender.
It’s another Mackenzie post, I just feel like I need to get it all out and talking makes me feel better.
I know that we will probably never have the answers that we are looking for. The husband and I opted to have the genetic testing and autopsy done on our son Mackenzie, but the wait to even just get the results back is agonizing. I am a first time mom, I waited a really long time before we even started to try to get pregnant and then it took almost 2 years.
I have PCOS and admittedly I am over weight. We saw a specialist and through a concoction of different medication to allow me to first off be able to ovulate then more medication for me to be able to shed the lining; a year and 7 months later we were finally pregnant. My pregnancy was uneventful other than the morning sickness that lasted through all 3 trimesters and the misalignment of my hips and tailbone. These were things that my Doctor wasn’t too concerned about so neither was I. I did feel however that the Doctor that I had been referred to by my specialist couldn’t care less about my pregnancy. I would ask questions and he would answer them as though I didn’t have a reason to be asking them in the first place. However there are very few Doctors where I live so I just ‘sucked it up ‘ and carried on. In hind sight I wish I hadn’t.
Eventually the 18 week mark came up when we could find out what the sex was. The husband and I both knew we wanted to know. He thought we were having a boy, and I was so sure beyond a reason of a doubt that we were having a girl. Boy was I wrong. When we left the ultrasound place I was admittedly upset not that I was having a boy but that I was not going to have a little girl. Over the next few weeks I got super excited about having a son and could imagine all of the outdoors things we would be doing with him. ( My family is pretty outdoorsy, we do a lot of hunting, fishing etc).
Time passed and we did the glucose tests. My first test came back ‘in the normal range’ but on the high end so I got sent for a second test ( the 2 hour one) This one came back ‘normal’ and I was sent on my way. Throughout the rest of my pregnancy I wasn’t too concerned, after all I had passed the markers that most women worry about losing the baby. The last month my feet really started to swell and I talked to my Doctor about it but he just told me that it was a symptom of pregnancy and nothing to worry about, ( I mentioned my concerns about my swollen feet each time I went in, however each time I was told that it wasn’t something to worry about). There was one day that I was so concerned that I went to labour and delivery and they hooked me up to the machine and said that if my feet were swollen and I saw stars, felt light headed, had a headache that wouldn’t go away with tylenol that I should come back. ( It never got to that point so I didn’t go back).
The 20th of August I went in for my weekly appointment and let my Doctor know that I had lost the mucus plug 5 days prior and he checked me out, I was 3 cm dilated. I told him I was ready to have the baby and he decided that if I hadn’t gone into labour by my due date ( August 25th ) that he would induce me on the 27th of August. I left his office so excited and at the same time so scared that this was finally it. I was going to be a mom by this time next week. I told Aaron who jokingly asked if we could reschedule for the second week of September because it would coincide with bird season opening up. ( I told him that was mean, I was ready to have this baby). We told my mother and my sister who would be flying in from Toronto to meet her nephew. We carried on like there was nothing to worry about except actual labour and the unknown that came with that. On The Saturday ( one week after losing my plug and two days after the appointment with my Doctor) we went to an outdoor event. I was a bit sore and hot ( it was outdoors) but it was no different that every other day the past week. We eventually got home and I went to bed around midnight, but I was so cold, I couldn’t get warm. I figured that I had a chill from sitting outside all day in the heat then when the sun went down and it cooled off pretty quickly I just had a chill. It lasted all night I got up around 8 times to go to the bathroom and each time I was shivering so much that my teeth were chattering. Again I didn’t think anything of it and went back to bed. We got up early the next morning and went for breakfast and got home around 11 am. Aaron went out do do some errands because I wasn’t feeling up to walking around and I went in the house and went to the bathroom. I had my bloody show but it wasn’t bright red so I wasn’t too concerned, after that labour started.
Around 2 pm I called labour and delivery and talked to someone there who let me know that I should stay at home until I couldn’t walk through a contraction, at least I would be comfortable at home. So around 730pm I couldn’t take it any more and I got Aaron to drive me to the hospital. It was the most excited I had been, we were going to have our baby soon and I would finally get to meet him. We would be able to see what features he had of mine and of Aaron’s.
When I got into the room and the nurse grabbed the Doppler machine to find his heartbeat it took a little while before she said anything and even then all she said was shes having some trouble finding it so they were going to try a different machine. At this point I was a little nervous but never in my wildest dreams did I think that there wasn’t one. They still couldn’t find a heartbeat so the doctor came in and did an ultrasound. At this point I was really getting scared. I finally said something and the Doctor on call ( not even my own ) and he said in the most monotone, and unemotional voice that there was no heartbeat and that my baby had passed. I couldn’t think, I couldn’t speak I just shut down ( all of this was still going on while having contractions) Aaron made the phone calls to the family after we had a few minutes to ourselves to cry but all the while I just kept hoping that they were wrong. That my baby was going to be born and be ok. At the same time I just wanted to have him out of me, I wanted so badly to have a c-section because I didn’t think that I was strong enough to birth him. The next few hours went by in a daze and I hardly remember them. They gave me an epidural ( that she had to try three times because of the contractions). They broke my water, and my body was finally ready to push. Within 45 minutes of being told that he was down in the birth canal he was out. Given his shoulder got stuck and I had to have four nurses and the doctor help to get him unstuck but he was finally out.
I knew everything was real once I saw him, he had places where the skin was thinned and broken and his lips were dark but his eyes were closed and he never made a sound. It was the saddest moment of my life and I lost a piece of my heart at 12:46 pm on August 24th 2015. Aaron and I held him and spent time with him and both memorized his measurements as the nurses told them to us. 10 lbs 9.6 oz ( he was and will always be my little pork chop) 22 inches long ( both the husband and I are fairly tall so we knew he would be a large baby but we had no idea he would be that large he was the most prefect mix of Aaron and I he was me from the lips and cheekbones down and Aaron from the nose up ( he had the most hair that I have ever seen on a baby) .
We spent the day with him, although I never got to dress or bathe him. I was stuck in the bed because of the epidural. It was hard, they wanted to keep me over night so they moved my to the post delivery ward. After saying goodbye to Mackenzie around midnight everything started so get even more real. We were never going to see him again, we could never hold him again. We wouldn’t be taking him home and now I had to spend the night listening to other peoples babies cry. It was so unfair and I hardly slept all I did was cry. Aaron has been an amazing support to me throughout the whole ordeal and I know it has brought us closer together but all I can think about is how I wish on that Thursday of my last appointment I would have asked to be induced then and there. If I had would I have my baby in my arms? If I had been more diligent about my concerns with the Doctor would Mackenzie still be here. I have gotten some of my blood results back and they show that I am on the border of having gestational diabetes so now I have those questions running through my mind… If I had eaten differently would he be here now? I know it’s not the road to go down, you can drive yourself crazy with all of the what ifs but they still run through my mind. Aaron and I are seeing a Councillor and we know we want to try again as soon as possible. However we know that nothing and no one will ever replace our first son.
Because of the loss of Mackenzie a lot of these posts in the near future may be about him. I apologize if it is something that you don’t want to read about but as part of my therapy and grieving process it is just something that I have to do. Before I lost him I had wanted to do a post about how amazing our maternity photographer was and show you guys some of the pictures of my husband and I while I was pregnant. Now that’s all we have of him so it is almost bitter sweet sharing them. Our photographers name is Laura Paxton and she was amazing to say the least. I’ve had photos taken a couple of times and Laura was great. She was able to direct us but at the same time keep us looking natural. You can check out her site here. Laura was able to capture how happy we were in these photos and I will forever be grateful that we had them done and also that she was able to show our immense happiness and it is something we can keep forever to remind us of how happy we were to be having a son.
I don’t think there has been a moment in time that either of us have been happier. It was our first son and something that we had been trying to achieve for almost two years. I am disappointed though that Laura wasn’t able to do the newborn photos that she was going to do, but having a stillbirth does that. In the future the husband and I will be contacting Laura for any photographs that we may want done.
My luck with blogs is impeccable. just as I am ready to start getting back into writing and set up a schedule something happens. My due date was August 25th 2015, and in the late morning on Sunday August 23rd 2015 I started going into labour. After working through the contractions between 11am and 7:30pm I was ready to go to the hospital. I can’t express how happy I was not only that I was finally going to meet my son but that my pregnancy was finally going to be over. ( I had a not so pleasurable pregnancy … morning sickness through all three trimesters, heartburn that would knock a moose on its ass, back and hip problems not to mention how big I was).
We got to the hospital, and I got ready to be checked and be admitted. The nurse was fantastic, however she was having a problem. The sonogram was having a hard time picking up my sons heartbeat. She got a different machine and tried again. At this point my husband and I were getting really nervous. You cant imagine the confusion and concern that goes through your mind when the nurse is frantically trying to find your child’s heartbeat but isn’t saying anything about what is happening. Finally the Dr came in and they were still unable to find the heartbeat when we asked what is going on, why were they having trouble and we were told that our son had no heartbeat. They got an ultrasound machine to verify and came back with the bad news, our son had passed.
Your heart sinks into your stomach when you hear those words and then a fury of thoughts race through your mind. Some of them logical but most of them don’t have anything to do with the present moment or what is going to be happening to you in the following hours. I will admit I was in shock. Just Thursday I was at the Dr. Office and there was a heart beat, everything was ok. Now they were telling me that he was gone? how could that happen? Why? It was only three days later. Aside from my personal gripes I had an ‘uneventful’ pregnancy without issue. What was going on and what was going to happen now?
My husband broke down before I could even gather my thoughts and it was that sound that took me out of my head, and brought me back into what was really going on. We cried, oh man did we cry all the while with the thought in the back of their mind that the Dr. was wrong and he was still alive. The next big thought that was going through my mind was if he had passed I didn’t want to have to actually give birth. It was something I didn’t think I could go through with. My baby was dead and now I had to go through this unknown experience and in the end I wouldn’t even get the bundle of joy I was to work so hard for. I cried and just kept asking the Dr. Will they please give me a C-Section? Please don’t make me do this I just want this whole ordeal to be over so I can go home, not have to sit through how many hours of labour until I would be able to deliver him. The Dr explained that they wouldn’t listen to my request and that I was going to have to deliver him the original way that I had planned. However they were able to give me the epidural so that the next however many hours would at least be what he called comfortable.
After getting my epidural and waiting what would turn out to be 5 hours they broke my water and at 11 am a full 24 hours later I was ready to start pushing and finally at 12:46 pm my beautiful, beautiful son was born. The husband and I had originally talked about not seeing him but I am beyond glad that we changed our minds because I don’t know what I would have done with myself if I hadn’t. I’m probably biased but he was the best combination of my husband and I, he had a full head of hair that was super thick and dark, my husbands nose lips and eyebrows. He had my high cheekbones and the chubbiest cheeks that I have ever seen. He also had my chin. I really wish we would have been able to see his eyes but they were closed. My boy was quite the little porkchop, he was 10 lbs 9 oz and a whopping 22 inches long. He had crazy long legs and my husbands long toes. He was beautiful, the most beautiful baby I have ever seen. Again I might be biased but I think he was.
We held on to him for pretty much the entire day, family came and went, but we held him and I just didn’t want to let go. It was the hardest thing to say goodbye and place him in the bassinet for the last time before they would take him for the autopsy. My husband and I cried together and said good bye, it was hard … so hard to carry someone for 9 months and then have nothing. I found myself rubbing my stomach like I did before he was born but it did nothing to help fill the hole that I currently have in my heart. It feels like the world has come crashing down around me and I know that my life will never be the same ( I wouldn’t want it to). I wouldn’t have been able to get through the day without my husband. He has been my rock, I don’t know how hes been so strong. I’m a wreck I cry all the time over the smallest things and it doesn’t matter if he is sleeping, somehow he knows and is right there to comfort me. I know its not going to be an easy road but I am so glad I have him there with me to get through it.
Ok, I know, I know how many times have I started and not even kept up with this. I am a horrible horrible blogger. I would promise that I won’t do it again but who knows with my track record it might be difficult.
I am going to try to keep this up now. I have a whole bunch of news and a whole lot of ( well maybe not a whole lot of) time on my hands. I want to change up the blog a bit I am going to stop with the book reviews, over the past year I think I have read maybe 6 books. I still want to talk about fitness ( mainly running and I am thinking of starting some yoga stuffs, and maybe some cross fit). I would like to talk about some sewing projects and the last thing I want to talk about will be my son. That’s right ! I plan on doing a few posts and one specifically about him but we will get to that a little later. There are a whole lot of big things on the horizon and I just want to document it and be able to share it with you and my family who aren’t that close. So on your marks, get set…. and GO!
Here’s hoping that I can maintain a once or twice a week update hopefully Mondays and Thursdays.
So I finished another book! I started and finished the second book in The Mortal Instruments set. The main outline of this book takes place a few weeks after the first book ends. Clary and Simon are now officially dating, and Jace has been kicked out of the Lightwood’s home and brought to the catacombs and was placed in a cell. While there Valentine breaks into the Silent City and kills all of the silent brothers and steals the mortal sword. To clear Jaces name after the inquisitor has fingered him in being aligned with his father, Clary, Jace, Alec and Isabelle need to track down the mortal sword and stop valentine before he can complete the ritual that will change the sword to an evil tool. In the process they end up at the faerie queen’s court and In Luke’s command center for his pack. SPOILER ALERT: Simon is turned into a vampire and Clary discovers she is able to create runes.
All in all the book was pretty good. I really enjoyed it and I am really looking forward to the next one in the series. I know this is a pretty short post but next week I am going to do one about My gym workouts.